My Twitter Fiction

typewriter

 

A short selection of my Twitter fiction

 

Prof. Smith was suspicious of the Mayan 2013 calendar, offered for sale at the online auction site. He still bought it, though.

A Viking longboat burns brightly through a cloudless April night. Local teens have spoilt a good Friday night out. Again.

Do you need a novel idea to write a story? Try Astro Physics. It’s not rocket science, is it!

It was a civilized war. Both sides agreed for the maiming and killing to take place during office hours only.

Developer Maury Harty was mystified why his Baker Street apartments didn’t sell. He tried, but would never be rid of ‘Sherlock Homes’.

The Spartans were noble in victory. They toasted their captives, before eating their livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Why are some nutritional books so hard to stomach? They’d be easier as a digest.

Ancient Celtic shamans granted protection to a stone circle. Savvy local councillors broke the spell, and gave permission for a quarry.

I love working in the banking sector. The hours are good. The pay is phenomenal! When on CCTV, I never repeat the disguises.

Thomas compared family albums with his new neighbours. After gaining their trust, he stole more photos to add to his collection.

The Queen was presented with a wooden bench. Instead of bestowing it to a Royal park, she secretly sold it on eBay, just for the craic.

The politician’s integrity was questioned when the press revealed him as “Mr Leather 1999”. He foolishly claimed to have won in 2000.

He sounded so like Elvis. The judges spun their chairs, to find they’d been listening to an i-Pod and a set of speakers. It was Elvis.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step – and often ends with a long wait at Heathrow.

The Train Station

Train tracks          Photo: Train Tracks by Peter Griffin

 

This poem was based on my hometown having a rail service resume after many years of closure. Unfortunately, at that time, the original Victorian station building was being used as a bar, and the replacement was basically a plastic bus shelter! I thought it sad that the railway service seemed very low-key. Fortunately, the original station has since been restored to its former glory. 

 

Waiting: wet, weary and windswept,
small groups huddle against the cold.
Seeking protection in plastic bus shelters.

The sleeping giant of the old station building
lies hidden, waiting for a makeover.
Awaiting rooms.

An old train pulls in,
quiet, almost retiring.
No whistles here.

No hustle and bustle,
no smells, no atmosphere.
Public transport in private.

They bought this station back to life
like Frankenstein’s Monster,
but this is more like the ghost train.

Heavy metal tracks
with shiny silver tops
stretched to the horizon,
almost infinity,
almost forgotten.
Hard lines.

The old hissing steaming dinosaurs
have long since been made extinct.
No smoke – without fire.
To be replaced by the new
clean, silent, safe?
“Sorry, indefinite delays.”

My Street

Chimneys    Photo: Petr Kratochvil

 

I based this poem on a previous house I lived in quite a few years ago. Although I drew on my experiences there, I have used a bit of artistic licence – it was never that bad a place to live!

 

I live in a street of terrace houses
where there should be a great community spirit,
but there isn’t.
Mutual respect and tolerance are in shorter supply
than parking spaces.
With a pavement as a front door step,
net curtains are no defence
against prying eyes and snarling voices.
In an area where councillors fear to tread,
even the loud speakers are distant
on election days.
I always vote, but I didn’t vote for this.
X marks the spot.

Four cars mark out the football pitch,
one of them is mine.
Another dent to my pride,
I wasn’t even asked to the game.

Hordes of street kids
acting tough to their audience,
playing their starring roles to full houses.

This should be a one-way street,
but nobody pays attention.
Permanent “For Sale” signs
should read “No Way Out”.

Ticket to Ride

morning-bus-station
Photo: Morning Bus Station by George Hodan

 

Jimmy Stewart sat hunched on the cold metal seat, with chin tucked uncomfortably inside his well-worn coat. He no longer took in his surroundings – in fact, having to experience the Bus Station on a daily basis, he did his best to actively ignore them.
Jimmy gripped his rolled-up newspaper tightly and shut his mind to the Monday afternoon queues. He had enough problems of his own without having to share their burden. He was forty-two years old, without a job, and a hairline that wasn’t so much receding as in full retreat. The light at the end of the tunnel had long since been extinguished.
“Come on then, we’ll have ya!” The harsh teenage voice coiled its way round the walkways like a snake looking for prey. Was he the intended target? He shuddered and waited for the confrontation that never came. There was a sudden movement in the queue, but the youths passed him by without a glance. Jimmy was relieved, yet somehow disappointed. He wasn’t even worthy of being a victim. Even so, he couldn’t help but give silent thanks to the dog-eared paperback, “The Power of Positive Thinking” that he always kept in his inner coat pocket. It gave him confidence, and made so much more sense than keeping a rabbit’s foot or other silly charm.
There was a murmur of anticipation, followed by increased movement, as a single-decker bus crawled its way into Bay 15. Jimmy rose to his feet and found his way blocked by a rather unpleasant-looking man with neck tattoos and a shaven head.
“Excuse me”, Jimmy’s voice was little more than a whisper. He made the briefest of eye contact, and then looked away. The man smiled, and stepped back obligingly. Jimmy touched his newspaper to his head in acknowledgement, and then immediately wished he hadn’t.
The queue shuffled forward, and Jimmy joined the line. He wondered whether he should take his wallet out here (and risk being robbed) or wait until he was on the bus. If he couldn’t find the right change there, everyone would be watching. He decided to wait. Jimmy was used to waiting, taking his turn. He had never been one to stand out in the crowd or make a scene.
Once inside the bus’ protective cage, he felt safe enough to open his wallet and look inside for the fare. Mercifully, the correct change seemed to fall into his hand. He took his ticket and gratefully headed for the nearest available empty seat.
“Hey, you’ve dropped something, mate.” The driver pointed at two neatly folded pieces of paper huddled together near the door. Jimmy sheepishly made his way forward and picked them up. He recognised his two lottery tickets straight away. He had hurriedly pushed them in his wallet a couple of days ago, and there they were, lying on the floor. He returned them to a safer compartment of his wallet, with zip protection, and sat down with all the dignity he could muster.

Jimmy didn’t like to break his routines. He always bought two lottery tickets from the Fast News Shack on a Saturday afternoon. He would then check his numbers from the Monday paper. There was no rush to get the result. Why dash your hopes instantly, when you can fantasize for a day or two first?
He was sure one or two passengers were staring at him. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t like it. He opened the paper at a random page and hid himself behind its tabloid shield.
Jimmy scanned through the pages without any great enthusiasm. There didn’t seem to be much of interest happening in the world today. No unfortunate Government Ministers caught with their trousers down, no Premier League celebrity lawyers taking easy money from their non-entity clients. Just enough shallow and trivial happenings to fill a gossip-hungry newspaper.

Then he saw them – last night’s winning lottery numbers. Jimmy had a look, just a casual look. Then he looked again, and again. They were familiar. VERY FAMILIAR. Maybe he was mistaken? No, he would recognise the sequence anywhere.
HE HAD THOSE SIX NUMBERS!
The ones he put on faithfully, week after week, without a win and without a hope. Jimmy thought that his was the only combination that statistically had no chance of winning. Until now. Granted, he only had three matches per ticket. But that was a small point that could be sorted out later. Maybe the small-print covered issues like this.
Then the doubts began to creep in. As he knew they would. Jimmy knew he had to see a hard copy of the numbers that were in his head, just to make sure his memory wasn’t playing cruel tricks on him, in the way that memories sometimes do.
But Jimmy couldn’t check his tickets – not here, with all these people looking over his shoulder. Someone would see the numbers and then they all would know, and they would make him give up the tickets by force. Or by showing him up. There would be no escape.
Jimmy left the bus at the first available stop. The driver gave him a strange look, but Jimmy didn’t think he could have known.
Although no-one else got off, Jimmy still felt open and exposed. After a few seconds of watching the traffic drive past, too close for comfort, he headed for the relative safety of nearby park. With no-one in sight, now was the moment. The moment of truth. Even though Jimmy knew the outcome, it was with sweaty palms and a pounding in his head that he opened his wallet and slowly unfolded the tickets…
Don’t they say that six numbers equals the jackpot?
This time there was no cruel twist of fate, just six of the numbers that he always picked, the same numbers that meant he was about to probably become a millionaire, maybe a billionaire, who knows- even a ZILLIONAIRE! Just thinking about it made Jimmy tingle.

He stuffed the tickets into a trouser pocket, and set off running. He had to phone the Claims Line now, nothing else mattered. He needed a phone box, and he needed one badly. Jimmy had never bought himself a mobile phone – after all, they’re not sure about the radiation effects are they? Right now, he would have traded a short burst of microwaves to the brain for two tin cans and a length of string.
Several minutes and only three changes of direction later, Jimmy found himself an empty phone box. Fortunately, he didn’t have time to consider that although nearly all phone boxes are working these days, they still have that all-too-familiar smell about them.
Jimmy arranged the change from his wallet in ascending order. He put the smallest value coin into the phone. After all, the fact that you’ve won a few million quid doesn’t mean you should start throwing your cash around, does it?
As he listened to the dialling tones, it began to sink in just what had happened. He took a deep breath, savoured the moment and felt a warm glow inside. A bit like pouring chocolate sauce over a hot sponge pudding, but more financially rewarding.
Who knows, Jimmy Stewart could become a household name…
Jimmy was almost disappointed when a female voice cut into his lovely positive feelings.
“Hello Lottery Claims Line, Chantelle speakin’. How can I help ya?” The voice had a ‘Don’t bother me ’cos I’m chewing gum and polishing my nails’ quality about it.

“My numbers came up. I’ve won!” Jimmy punched the air in silent salute to the adoring masses. He enjoyed it so much – he did it again!
“Oh is that so, I’m really happy for ya.” said nasal Chantelle, with all the enthusiasm of a male black widow spider that’s just read his tea leaves. But there was no holding back Jimmy now.
“I can’t believe it, it’s just…well, I’ve never won anything before, and now this!”
Jimmy’s thoughts of being presented with a cheque the size of a door, were cruelly interrupted.
“Yeah, so what’s your name?” The accent was vaguely Newcastle – the attitude seriously New York.
“Jimmy…er, Mister James Stewart.”
“And where do ya live, Mister James Stewart?”
“Er, 25…”
“No, what’s your postcode? We can tell what your address is from that.”
“I know what my address is.”

Chantelle was starting to get really irritated by this Jackie Stewart bloke. Luckily she was too much the professional to let it show.
“Listen, Mister. No postcode, no wonga. Ya nooo wot I mean?”
Poor Jimmy. He was starting to get flustered. His postcode, the key to unlocking his cash windfall, was just out of reach.

Think, Jimmy, think!

“Would my phone number help…at all?”
“Oh please, and why would I want your phone number, huh?”
“Because I’ve just won the Jackpot. Six numbers. The Works.”

Chantelle’s ears sprang forward like a startled cat.
“Oh, I see… your home phone number would be just fine. My name’s Chantelle. Could you pass me your details now, please, Sir.”
What a difference, thought Jimmy. Instant respect! Maybe the usual trip to the Seaside might be for two this year…Looks like he may have hit the jackpot in more ways than one.
The End.

Make Yourself at Home

Home Photo: Home Sweet Home by Donna McNeely

Maureen was fed up of still being a show-house ‘meet and greet’. She should have worked her way up the ladder by now. Maybe if she’d learned better social skills. Or smiled a bit more. Maybe not.
But she could spot the time-wasters a mile off. And here was one of them. She could tell by the car he drove and the way he looked.
He wasn’t one of those young professional types that could afford an executive five-bed. He looked like a deluded dreamer, with a head chock-full of “Positive Thinking”, and this “Law of Attraction” malarkey.
Him! Making himself at home. Here?
“You’ve got to register, young man. Name and address. And occupation, if you’ve got one.”
There were two forms on the desk. Maureen threw him a pen. Dave smiled – he had his own, thanks. She didn’t bother looking up until he’d gone.
Dave didn’t even go and look at the house. He hadn’t registered – just filled in the competition entry form for the executive house. He must’ve got the wrong form. The sad loser.
A month later, Maureen handed competition winner Dave his house keys in front of the local press. She hated positive thinking!